Courageously Expecting International Women’s Day 2023
- From Baby Wicks
- Mar 8, 2023
- 3 min read
I think it’s safe to say that pregnancy after loss is a marathon not a sprint. You’re so determined to enjoy every second of this pregnancy, knowing what a gift it is and how you want to treasure every moment, aware that it may be your last. But at the same time, you’ve never wanted time to hurry up and move so quickly. You want to power through those milestones, those weeks and months until you’re hopefully left with your healthy baby in your arms.
“When do you want to tell people?” Tom asked me as he lay in bed and watched me evaluate my reflection in the mirror while touching my 14-week pregnancy belly, frantically asking “do you think I’ve grown?!” My clothes had become tight around the waist, to the point where I could no longer hide my second pregnancy under baggy clothes from the world anymore, yet I still refused to buy maternity clothes for fear that it would jinx the longevity of this pregnancy. We had passed the 12-week “safe zone,”. I had been wanting to know when I would be comfortable announcing our second pregnancy, the one that followed our Baby Boy’s stillbirth, to our extended family, friends, and of course, on Facebook….but would that ever really come?
This is how the psychology of pregnancy after loss works. It’s a constant tug-a-war between wanting to and being expected to devolve into a state of joy about expecting again, while simultaneously being consumed by fear and worry that this pregnancy will end too, like the other did, while also grieving all that you have lost that came before this pregnancy.
It’s a dualistic reality that is difficult to live in. In one breath, you are grateful for this pregnancy, while in another, you can’t wrap your brain around why you get to keep this pregnancy and not the one that came before. It’s not only a challenging time physically as you are growing a new human, but it’s then compounded by the complex emotions that disorient you emotionally.
The truth is that being pregnant again after a loss is hard work, physically and emotionally. Once you are pregnant again, the pain of your previous losses doesn’t go away. In actuality, sometimes it feels more intense because being pregnant again reminds you of what you have been mourning. It’s often difficult to trust your body to create and carry life again when you feel as if your body has failed you by not protecting and sustaining life growing instead of death growing there.
The joy of expecting again then becomes dulled by the pain of the previous loss and the fear that it will happen again. Because of this, you emotionally detach from connecting to life growing inside of you. Not because you want to, but because you feel as if you have to for survival. Then the guilt sets in–guilt because you are pulling away from the joy of this pregnancy as well as guilt for loving this baby because it feels like you are betraying your other baby or babies that died.
There is no cure for the complex emotions that accompany a pregnancy that follows a loss. But there are “tools’’ in the form of building a support system that understands, learning how to practice self-care and self-compassion on the harder days, as well as living each day in the present moment. Telling yourself that today, at this moment, my baby and I are okay. That is really all you can do, besides the final fix that all mums pregnant after a loss will tell you might take away their worries and ease the pain - placing a healthy, living, and breathing baby in her arms. And even that does not take away the grief, for that will be something we carry forever.
I’ll never be prepared for the question “is this your first?” Since my pregnancy bump has been impossible to hide, and it’s not that I’m ungrateful to be in this position that is enviable for so many. But on international women’s day 2023, I choose to acknowledge and salute all those mums who are courageously expecting after loss, the hevwy weight of anxiety that they are carrying and how incredibly brave and strong I believe they are. 🤍🙌🏼
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