The Months After Loss.....

The weeks and months just seem to be rattling by. Its scary sometimes how fast the world moves when you really want it all to just stand still. In the last few weeks I’ve thought so much about what I want to share. Some of the things I want to write about feel too raw and personal to share yet. Some things I’m worried that those who read just wont ‘get’ or will judge me for what I write. But one thing I know is that writing these posts help me focus my thoughts and share our journey as a family.

In the last few months we’ve continued to renovate the house, been on 2 holidays without our son, returned to work, socialised with friends, I’ve been to or bought gifts for 4 baby showers, heard numerous pregnancy announcements and watched people I care about get to bring their little ones home. When I look back at what I feel I’ve ‘survived’ the last few months I can honestly say I don’t know where I’ve found the strength from. It’s been like living through an out of body experience.

Until this point I think I’ve been strong. Congratulated people on their pregnancy news, bought and created gifts for little ones and tried my best to attend people’s baby showers even just for 10 minutes on the days I’m feeling strong enough. But the reality is that life is still a daily battle. Some days I still feel overwhelmed with sadness and a heaviness that I just cant shake.

As a proactive person I’ve been trying to find ways to help lift this weight and now, aware of how quickly like can change, I’m trying to find some happiness in every moment that I live through. Tom has been such an incredible support since we lost our little boy and without him by my side reassuring me daily that I can do this, I don’t think I would be here without him. Although Tom is constantly a phone call, text or arm stretch away, I’ve been feeling recently like I need to do something for me to help me along this journey. In Elle Wrights Book ‘Ask Me His Name’, she talked about acupuncture. She had acupuncture to help try and support pregnancy after loss, boost her fertility, lower her levels and anxiety and to help keep her nice and relaxed as years later she embarked on her IVF journey. As a needle phobic and someone who’s battled to even look at a needle over the las 15 years I never thought this alternative therapy would be for me.

In August I went for my first session of acupuncture. I pulled up outside a house after finding a local acupuncturist nervous about what to expect. Me – a full needle phobic, who’s never even had a filling, was outside a house waiting for someone to put needles into my body. I stepped into a house and met the Chinese doctor who would administer the acupuncture and I was incredibly nervous. The doctor was so kind, so gentle and so welcoming, the more she spoke I instantly trusted her. We discussed what I had been through, what my body had ensured and what I wanted for the future. I told her how we longed to have a baby that we could bring home. That we were desperate to give Baby Wicks a brother or sister that he could watch over. That I would do whatever I possibly could to fall pregnant again.

As I was lying on the bed awaiting the acupuncture to start. I sat up and sobbed. I didn’t want to have to be there doing this. It had never been in part of my plan. I never wanted to have to try to conceive again after loss. I never thought I’d be squeezing my dead sons teddy hoping he’d be looking over me willing me along on this journey. The doctor reassured me, settled me and showed me the needles did not hurt. I relaxed and she began to insert needles all over my body. In my tummy, in my knees, in my ears and in my feet. They didn’t hurt, I didn’t know she had put them in. The longer the session went on, the more relaxed I felt. My muscles softened, the stiffness in my bones relaxed and I felt parts of the heaviness start to lift. Tears slowly but silently trickled down my face. It was like a darkness has began to be lifted. My session finished, I sat up feeling lighter, relaxed and overall more hopeful about our future. After my second visit that lightness felt even more present. I saw many glimmers of my old self and wasn’t having to work so hard on being able to take small moments of happiness from life. One thing I noticed is I was beginning to laugh a lot more with Tom. Something we’d always done, the people we had always been were slowly returning.

I’m now on my fourth acupuncture session and love going. I look forward to my weekly acupuncture sessions optimistic about the future. But the reality is that trying to conceive after loss is such a rollercoaster of a journey. You’re constantly trying to strike a balance. Believing that one day your time will come. Not wanting to rush or pressurise the situation. Living on round the cycle ovulation tests and pre-pregnancy vitamins so you can tell yourself your body is doing all the ‘right’ things. Trying to enjoy moments as a couple, knowing that when you get pregnant you’re on a full-on anxiety ride until you’ve given birth. But the reality is 20 weeks ago I was still carrying my son, not knowing we’d never get to bring him home and I’d be on this journey.

I guess I’m just finding my way on the life after loss journey one day at a time.

Hannah x