Pregnant Mum's, Baby Showers and Life After Loss

There are so many topics I want to cover and write about since we lost Baby Wicks 4 months ago… but I realise that some need space to breathe, my mind needs time to process and I need to gather my thoughts properly before I start bashing the keys on my laptop.

One thing I really want to talk about is babies, pregnant friends and baby showers after loss – wow, these things can be painful. Its not that you don’t want anyone to experience the joy or naivety of being pregnant, or you don’t want to share in the joy of someone’s baby shower…it’s simply that you don’t understand why all of this was taken away from you.

In the months since we lost Baby Wicks, I’ve been surrounded by people who are pregnant and friends and family who have given birth around our due date and the reactions from people have been a proper mixed bag. There’s been friends who have blanked me and pretended I don’t exist since they’ve found out they were pregnant or have given birth, and as painful as it is for me to accept this, and know that I would never do this to them, I can only assume that this is because people just don’t know what to say. Equally I’ve been surrounded by some of the kindest, most understanding, sensitive people who don’t blow my Instagram feed up with baby pictures, pregnancy updates and those who haven’t forced me to hold their new born baby when we’ve met up. I will always be grateful for the understanding of those people.

Looking at pregnant women doesn’t make me jealous and for that I am so lucky. Do I long for that to be me again? Yes. Do I wish I had their naivety? Yes. Am I Jealous they get to look at pregnancy through rose tinted glasses? Yes. But not a single piece of me would wish for them to go through the unimaginably painful journey that we have and are still on. Having to give birth to my little boy is my greatest achievement in life so far and I can’t wait to hear about the healthy babies my friends get to bring into this world. So many of my friends who are pregnant, have told me they feel guilty posting on Instagram their pregnancy pictures and scans, and that when they post they always save a thought for me and for that I am so, so grateful. What this actually shows me is that by speaking out and being so open about Stillbirth, we are spreading awareness. Making people think about things they might not have ever thought about previously. Equally there are some who pretend that I no longer exist…something that I have put down to them not wanting to imagine this could happen to them. For those people I hold no grudge or malice, but my words of advice would be to say something. Say anything. Send a heart or a message to say ‘I’m thinking of you’. Validate their stillborn child’s life by acknowledging the pain that they are in and the fact that they did exist! By ignoring a mum to a stillborn child you are giving them the greatest insult. You don’t have to send essays and check in every hour…..but I’ve learnt that the little things go a very long way.

Baby showers are tough. It’s not just attending an event to celebrate a pregnant mummy and her soon to be born baby… it’s the group chats you’re plunged into around the organising, getting ready without a baby wriggling inside you, having to make your way through the baby isles to buy a gift…. All things I really longed to do for myself and my son, that just sadly did not happen. What I’ve learnt over time, is those that really value your emotions as a mummy who’s baby died, and those who are your friends no matter what, will really not bad mouth you or make your life difficult if you cant find the strength to go. In the last few months I’ve attended my sister in laws baby shower weeks after Baby Wicks was born, sent gifts to another friends baby shower, been invited to 3 – and my reactions to all are so different. I spent hours sobbing in the baby isles as I created a hamper for my sister in laws baby shower, have sent Etsy gifts in my absence to another and others have just simply explained I cant go because it is simply still too painful. People’s approaches are something else that differs. Some people throw you into the group chat not understanding how reading those words ‘Baby Shower’ might be difficult for you to read and make you want to scream at the top of your lungs – “I’m a mummy too” or people who have messaged separately, recognising what a challenge it must be to begin to wrap your head around attending things like this!

Life after loss is still incredibly challenging. And I am still navigating my way through what feels comfortable to do and this point and what still hurts so much I physically cant. One things is for sure, and that’s that this is a journey. What feels right one moment feels completely wrong in the next. What you are happy to do for one and the pain your willing to endure, you wont for the next and that’s okay. Everyone’s journey is different, but what I have learnt is that its okay to put yourself first, and as you start to emerge into the light, those still around you are the ones that matter the most.

Hannah xx